Right from the start of my pregnancy, I wanted to be able to
breastfeed. As I've said in my previous blogs, I wanted to breastfeed because
of its so many advantages and benefits not only for my baby but for myself as
well. I even attended a seminar on breastfeeding because that is how much I was
determined to breastfeed.
But I failed.
I admit that when my son turned one month, I started giving him
formula already. It was half hearted. At the back of my mind, I was hesitant to
do it. I did not want to give up breastfeeding but I had to.I had no problem
with milk supply, (one of the reasons why I was half hearted to stop) but was
suffering from plugged ducts and blisters. It was too painful. I was even
at the point of rejecting my baby because of too much pain. They said
breastfeeding did not have to be painful so I knew that something isn't right
with what me and my baby were doing. I tried, I would say I really tried.
I read everything I could put my hands on about breastfeeding, tried all sorts
of solutions, but nothing seem to work. The pain was getting worse and
worse.
That one morning I decided to give my son formula, is the day that
I failed him. I felt guilty, knowing that he would have been better with breast
milk. I was guilty because it would mean a huge part of our budget would go to
buying milk. But more than guilt, I felt weak. I felt I was not strong enough
to endure the pain for my child.
I felt like a failure. It was as if I could not take the
inconveniences or pain of what could have brought more benefit for my son, and
that I was not worthy to be called Mom.
Then, after feeling like a big fat failure, I came across an
article online (which I couldn't find now) that talked about giving up on
breastfeeding and that mothers who formula feed their children are not bad
parents. Whew! I knew that parents who formula fed aren't bad parents, but that
was what I felt about me. The article validated my feeling of guilt but also
affirmed what I have done for my kid for 1 month. What truly caught my
attention in that article is that every mother who breastfed or breastfeed
their children are a success. Regardless of how short or long it is as long as
one breastfeeds is an achievement. It said that mothers should not be too hard
on themselves, what with all the responsibilities they have. I realized its
indeed true, I had my reason for giving up on breastfeeding but it does not
make me a bad parent. Being a parent is more than just breastfeeding.
Though, I still feel a little disappointed for not having
breastfeed my son, I promise that if blessed with another child, I would be
more prepared and ready to breastfeed.
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