Sunday, July 8, 2012
TEACHER'S TALE:Of Certain Truths and Uncertainties
its eleven in the evening and i just finished checking exam papers of my students. i finished really fast and nto considering the grades my student got, i felt sad. hence, this blog.
there are truths and uncertainties that have been lingering in my mind for almost six months now. it started early part of the month, january to be exact. the day i knew i had to face truths and uncertainties.
truth #1. i only have two months and im gone.
ive talked about this truth to so many people too many times. to the point that i bored myself thinking and talking about it. this is my last term of teaching and though i knew of it six months ago, it still doesnt feel right.
truth #2. i have accepted but not without pain.
for the first few months that i ve learned of truth #1, all i felt was pain. pain of losing the one thing i loved doing. pain of not being able to be with the people i have grown with. people i learned a lot from. People who have accepted me, inside and out. People i have considered family.
i also felt pain that i would not be able to teach students again in CSB. the pain that just at the time that i knew i meant something to some students is the time i have to go.
Pain knowing this was all my fault.
i have accepted but it is just too painful.
Truth #3. i am scared.
for the past months, i have not been able to fully admit to myself that i am scared.
scared that i might not be able to accomplish the last task i need to do.
scared that i might not find a job thats both enjoyable and fulfilling.
scared that i might not meet people as fun as the people i have now.
scared that i might be too old.
scared that all the plans i have for the next months may not come thru at all.
i have been face with these truths but more overwhelming are the uncertainties. I have no idea what my future holds for me. I worry myself for most of the nights im alone that i experience dreaming about zombies caused by stress. for 6 years i have never faced this enormous uncertainty in my life up until now.
Uncertainty #1. Where will i be after August.
ive been planning. plans always bring uncertainties.
what if these plans fail me, how do i pick myself up again? How do i tell people? What do i tell them? more than the uncertain plans, what worries me more is my embarrassment.
Disclaimer: dont confuse this to my being coward or mahina ang loob. what i feel now is different.
uncertainty #2. will i ever finish?
Will I finish, will i even be able to stand up again and pick where i left of in my studies? How do i deal with it now that i dont have the support group i had in the first part?
If i do finish, where will it lead me?
Uncertainty #3: What does this mean? IS there any reason or purpose for this happening in my life?
I have always believe in purpose. that somewhere in this universe someone has a big plan for me. That this is all part of the plan. I believe that all things happen because it is meant to happen.
But this time, i cannot fully put my trust on this belief. Is this really where im supposed to be, to leave the job i am passionate about, to leave the people i love so much, to be alone?
Until August, I am the same person 6 years ago. A teacher.
after that i am lost.