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Friday, November 29, 2013

How motherhood changed me.

Just before I gave birth, I was expecting that a lot of things would changed about me. I would imagine myself rejecting parties, out-of-town trips, shopping, movies, and all sort of things I did when I was still single. I would always tell my friends that I couldn't commit to anything yet because things will change as soon as I give birth. It was something I looked forward to but also dread.

Why I looked forward to it?

Well, a baby is always something to be excited about. I am fond of children and having a baby of my own was thrilling. I also enjoyed looking at small clothes, shoes, toys, that are all sooooo cuuttee. I also looked forward to bringing him along wherever I go. I was anticipating being with a little kid with every second of my life. I was also very much excited to see him achieving his milestones in life. But as there are a lot of things to look forward to, came worries as well. .

I am a natural worrier. (If there is such a thing!:)) Having a child made me worry a lot. I worried that I could not provide for my future's son.  I worried about where to send him to school, how to pay for his school's expenses, what happens when he gets sick, and all other "kapraningan". Just as much as I worried about my kid, I also had my share of worries about myself. I was worried that I wouldn't have the strength to run around when my kid's big enough to run, or that I couldn't wake up early in the morning, or that I couldn't handle my temper at times when he misbehaves. It was all sort of worries that at times irrational. Good thing, my husband's the opposite. He is always relaxed and composed. Although at times I get irritated with this attitude, it helps that he's like that because it calms me down.

So did motherhood really changed me? Well, YES and NO.

No because I am still the person I was before I gave birth. I'm still makulit, magulo, maingay, antukin, etc.  I still want the same things before, still talk the way I did, still think the way I did. After having nine months of big tummy, I am back to my usual figure (well, except for the baby bump that I still have :)). So personality, physically and emotionally it didn't really change me.  

What motherhood actually did to me was made me a better version of myself. From Sarah Geronimo's line in It Takes a Man and a Woman, I am now Jhoanna version 2.0. It only did not make me a better version of myself but I have now a little guy with me that shares a part of who I am.

Most of the time I still cannot believe that the child I am holding in my hands is my own. It still awes me to see him grow and can hardly believe that he came from him. I often ask myself, "Sa akin ba talaga galing ito?" and be amazed at this miracle I have in my arms. Now, I have someone I can really call my own, someone I am accountable for, someone who is truly a part of me, from now until forever.  

Motherhood is an opportunity or should I say a blessing I am lucky to have or to be. I have never felt this needed as much as my baby needs me now. I have never loved even without knowing who or what kind of person he is. I have never felt scared for someone this much that even an insect bite or small cry worries me. I have never felt all these before but I am grateful that I have it now. 

I am still new at this motherhood thing. Almost everyday I do not know if I am doing a good job at it, all I know now is that I love my son so much that I am willing to do anything for him. Cliche as it may sound, but it is true. I am so proud to be his mother and I will do everything in my power to give the best to him. I will dream, hope, and work hard for him. Because being a mother is an opportunity to teach, inspire, care, and love someone directly. Motherhood is LOVE. 

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