TEACHER'S TALE:Of Certain Truths and Uncertainties

its eleven in the evening and i just finished checking exam papers of my students. i finished really fast and nto considering the grades my student got, i felt sad. hence, this blog.
there are truths and uncertainties that have been lingering in my mind for almost six months now. it started early part of the month, january to be exact. the day i knew i had to face truths and uncertainties.

truth #1. i only have two months and im gone.

ive talked about this truth to so many people too many times. to the point that i bored myself thinking and talking about it. this is my last term of teaching and though i knew of it six months ago, it still doesnt feel right.

truth #2. i have accepted but not without pain.

for the first few months that i ve learned of truth #1, all i felt was pain. pain of losing the one thing i loved doing. pain of not being able to be with the people i have grown with. people i learned a lot from. People who have accepted me, inside and out. People i have considered family.
i also felt pain that i would not be able to teach students again in CSB. the pain that just at the time that i knew i meant something to some students is the time i have to go.
Pain knowing this was all my fault.
i have accepted but it is just too painful.

Truth #3. i am scared.

for the past months, i have not been able to fully admit to myself that i am scared.
scared that i might not be able to accomplish the last task i need to do.
scared that i might not find a job thats both enjoyable and fulfilling.
scared that i might not meet people as fun as the people i have now.
scared that i might be too old.
scared that all the plans i have for the next months may not come thru at all.

i have been face with these truths but more overwhelming are the uncertainties. I have no idea what my future holds for me. I worry myself for most of the nights im alone that i experience dreaming about zombies caused by stress. for 6 years i have never faced this enormous uncertainty in my life up until now.

Uncertainty #1. Where will i be after August.
ive been planning. plans always bring uncertainties.
what if these plans fail me, how do i pick myself up again? How do i tell people? What do i tell them? more than the uncertain plans, what worries me more is my embarrassment.

Disclaimer: dont confuse this to my being coward or mahina ang loob. what i feel now is different.
 
uncertainty #2. will i ever finish?
Will I finish, will i even be able to stand up again and pick where i left of in my studies? How do i deal with it now that i dont have the support group i had in the first part?
If i do finish, where will it lead me?

Uncertainty #3: What does this mean? IS there any reason or purpose for this happening in my life?
I have always believe in purpose. that somewhere in this universe someone has a big plan for me. That this is all part of the plan. I believe that all things happen because it is meant to happen.
But this time, i cannot fully put my trust on this belief. Is this really where im supposed to be, to leave the job i am passionate about, to leave the people i love so much, to be alone?


Until August, I am the same person 6 years ago. A teacher.



after that i am lost.

MEMOIRS OF A BLOGGER:Diksyunaryo

Ang diksyunaryo ay ginagamit pag may salita kang hindi naintindihan. Ito ang ginagamit para mahanap ang kahulugan ng isang salita, ibig sabihin ung para magka sense ang isang pangungusap. Madalas ginagamitan naten ng context clues ang mga bagay bagay. Yung kahit ndi mo alam ung salita eh naiintindihan mo ang ibig nitong sabihin sa pamamagitan ng paraan ng pagkakagamit nito. Pero mas mahusay pa din ang makuha ang kahulugan ng salita sa pinaka tamang ibig sabihin nito.

Di naman tungkol sa diksyunaryo ito, ito ay tungkol sa kahulugan ng buhay. (wow, lalim). Ang ibig ko lang naman sabihin talaga eh dapat lahat ng ginagawa naten eh may malalim na kahulugan. Kahit anu pang gawain yan. Kasi pag may kahulugan ang bawat bagay mas may ownership, mas may laman ung ginagawa mo. Isa rin un sa tutulong sayo na bigyan ng kahulugan ang pagkatao mo.

Sa sarili kong karanasan, ginagawa ko ang mga bagay ng may dahilan, o may kahulugan. Lahat halos eh may kwento, may pinanggalingan kaya mas malalim ang pagtingin ko sa bagay na ginawa, ginagawa, o gagawin ko. Halimbawa, naglista ako ng 101 things to do in my life ko. Hindi dahil sa nakiuso ako o napanuod ko ung bucketlist na movie. Nauna sila bago ko pa to gawin. Ndi ko rin naman orihinal na ideya ang "101 Things to Do in my Life" dahil nabasa ko lang din siya sa isang module na ginagamit namen para sa klase. Pinagawa ko ito sa mga estudyante ko konektado sa aralin namen on Goal Setting. Pinagawa ko sa kanila ng hindi ko pa siya nagawa. Naisip ko tuloy na tuwing nagsasabe sila saken ng kung ganu kahirap ito eh, dapat pala ginawa ko din para alam ko ung pakiramdam. (Light bulb) At yun na ang dahilan kung bakit ko sinulat yun. Una, para maintindihan ko ung naranasan ng mga estudyante ko at pangalawa dahil marami naman talaga ako gustong gawin sa buhay pero ndi ko sinisimulan. Ganun nga ang ginawa ko at ngayon, halos isang taon na eh masasabi kong marami akong natutupad sa checklist ko.

May laman. May kahulugan. 

Ang kahulugan nito saken ay mas nakilala ko ang sarili. Nalaman kong ndi pala ako well-read na tao dahil andame ko pang namimiss out sa buhay. Dahil dun mas naging palabasa ako, at binibigyan ko ito ng oras. Nalaman ko din na hilig ko talaga ang pagtatrabel at kung anuman ay alam kong un ang isa sa mga bagay na nding ndi mawawal sa listahan ko.

Lahat ng nakasulat sa listahan ko ay may malalim na pingagalingan. Ang ilan sa mga ito magdidikta ng aking kinabukasan, ng career na gusto kong puntahan. Ilan din dito ay nagpapaalala sa akin ng aking kabataan tulad ng pagluto ng monggo at pagbisita sa aking lola. Mayroon din namang ilan sa mga nakalista na susubok sa aking tapang at pagkatao. May mga ilan namang para sa aking kasiyahan, tulad ng pag-aalaga ng isda at pagpapaayos ng bahay.

Lahat ng ginagaw ko ay may kahulugan. Kung kaya't nagiging masakit para saken na may isa sa mga ito na matapakan, magaya, o maiwalang bahala.

sentimental ako na tao. respetuhin sana ito.


Diksyunaryo. may laman. may kahulugan.